Come back to Texas

I’ve had a wonderful two days back in Texas. I visited Drew and his family and am now with Lara. This evening, I saw five of my closest friends. We’ve all survived.

It’s been so different living life without their daily presence. I’ve missed them all so much. I keep having to remind myself that I can’t expect the same depth of friendship at Cornell overnight. These relationships take years to develop, and I’ve only been there a few months.

I’m so grateful for my A&M friends.  The past few hours have been so full of joy.

I also have great hope for my Cornell friendships, too. I look forward to what they will develop into over the next four (five, six?) years.

I’m so glad I came back to Texas.

Withdrawing from Facebook [ten pictures]

Today was my second Monday back on Facebook since deciding to phase out my activity. After a week of not using Facebook at all, there really wasn’t much for me to do. I had one message to read and a few notifications. Nothing crucial.

I checked Facebook with purpose. I transferred birthdays to my Google calendar. And I reminisced over pictures. There are 1,131 pictures of me on Facebook right now that encompass five years of my life. I’ve picked ten of them to share with you here (in reverse chronological order).

1. Exploring NYC with my ballroom friends. This was probably my favorite night of this semester.

2. Friday at the Big Red Barn with my Nutrition group!

3. Salsa at the Big Red Barn with my Nutrition ladies.

4.  Celebrating four years of friendship at the Texas Hall of Fame (with K’Naan and David Bisbal of course).

5.  Drew Dear surprising me at my graduation. This picture was taken seconds after I saw him.

6.  Posing with Wrangler and Tony at Ring Dance.

7.  Whooping up in Tienanmen Square with Lara.

8. Les Miserables with Jamie, Anthony, and Lara in Houston.

9. My amazing Lechner XIX Sophomore Advisor Team with the incoming XX Team.

10. Freshmen friends!

 

Ok, I really like this idea of picking ten pictures to share. I’m going to have a theme for next Monday.

In the meantime, I’m off to Texas!

And I thought I knew everything about Christmas

When I left for college four years ago, one of my aunts gave me a photo album with the handwritten inscription: “May you never forget just how weird your family is.”  Coming home each Christmas, I see many changes in my family, but the weirdness remains comfortingly constant.

Christmas Eve: picture the idyllic scene of family gathered in a cheery living room. Gifts are piled high in a corner. Stomachs are stuffed with food. A German shepherd chases a chihuahua in a striped sweater. And Grandpa sits in his big chair, places his spectacles carefully on the bridge of his nose, and says: “Children, when we’re all ready, I have a Christmas story to share.”

We all settle comfortably in anticipation of a warm, fuzzy story about God’s love made manifest in a tiny child. Or at least that’s what I was expecting. I really should know better by now. Grandpa begins.

“Children, I’m going to tell you a story about the Christmas Pooper. In Catalonia, where our ancestors came from, in addition to Mary, Joseph, and the Baby Jesus, the Catalans place a tiny figure pooping in the Nativity called the caganer.”

Image via Wikipedia

At this point, we were all waiting for the punchline. I glanced furtively at the other members of my family, unsure of how to react. I saw the same expression of horrified humor. In Catalan, the word caga literally means “to shit”. Surely, this could not be real. We listened with incredulity and ill-supressed laughter as Grandpa shared the tradition behind the little figure that would be hidden in the Nativity scene for the little children to find. We theorized about why anyone would put a pooper there.

Later that night, I raided Wikipedia. From the Caganer page:

Possible reasons for placing a figure representing a person in the act of excreting waste in a scene which is widely considered holy include:

• The Caganer represents the equality of all people: regardless of status, race, or gender, everyone defecates.
• Increased naturalism of an otherwise archetypal (thus idealised) story, so that it is more believable, more real and can be taken more seriously.
• The idea that God will manifest himself when he is ready, without regard for whether we human beings are ready or not.
• The Caganer reinforces the belief that the infant Jesus is God in human form, with all that being human implies.

Well, that’s something to think about.

Needless to say, my family is a bit strange. I’m pretty sure a pooper will make its way into the decor next year. Yep, that’s my family, and I love them.

Day 1 of Half Marathon Training

Yesterday was my official first day of training. I started out nice and easy with a two-mile run around my neighborhood. The rain finally stopped, and I had beautiful blue skies the entire time (62 degrees!). Today I walked about four miles and did a crazy core workout with my brother.

This upcoming Monday marks 12 weeks before the big race. I will be following this novice training guide to prepare.

It’s amazing how good I feel after running. I hadn’t been as athletic as I should have this past semester. I rationalized it by saying that I was busy and cold and tired, and while that was all true, I was also just being lazy.

What finally got me off my butt was a hilariously named article from one of my favorite personal finance blogs.  What I realized after reading this article was that I was being ordinary. I was making excuses for not doing things instead of just doing them.

That’s what everyone else does. And I am NOT everyone else.

So I put on my shoes and ran. And it was glorious. That half marathon is going down.

Now I’m going to clean myself up, neaten up the house, wrap the remaining presents, go to the Christmas Eve service, and spend Christmas Eve with my family!

Waiting

I’ve been home for five days, and I’m already restless. It has rained nonstop since I’ve been home (so no half-marathon training yet), and today I didn’t even leave the house.

Instead, I cleaned the living room. I took photographs. I changed the setting in the dining room. I gave Simon a bath. I played three games of chess with my brother (and lost each one). I made my Honey Orange Chicken recipe for dinner and cleaned up after. And I read about 200 pages of my new book…

Much of the book I’m reading takes place in Korea. So when the author mentioned the mountain Keumgang, just like what happened with the Student Creed, the memory of Tae Kwon Do flickered and then burned brightly in my mind. The required form for a 2nd degree black belt is named in honor of this mountain. It requires strength, balance, and a certain gravity of motion. It is a very mature expression of power and has a solemn beauty.

The Korean people have named the most beautiful mountain in the Korean peninsula Kuemgang-san which is located in the Taebaek range of mountain, call diamond the hardest known substance, Keumgang-seok. Accordingly, ‘Keumgang’ in Taekwondo means movement based on spiritual strength that is as beautiful and majestic as the Diamond Mountains and hard and adamant as the diamond. [/source]

(Taebaek is the 3rd degree form and is a foil to Keumgang emphasizing a more ethereal strength.)

I was restless before contemplating my forms. I was waiting for things to happen even though my weeks away from Ithaca are supposed to be a time of rest. But now I’m going through Keumgang in my head (I’d wake everyone up if I did it with my body), and I feel calmer. What better way to contemplate calm and patience than by meditating on a mountain form?

I’m not very good at doing nothing nor at patiently waiting, but something (in my life? in the world?) worth waiting for is about to happen.

It’s not just about Facebook

Yesterday, I made public my decision to give up Facebook. It was not a simple decision, and I knew I wouldn’t follow through with it unless I told everyone. Now I’m held accountable.

But the issue is bigger than Facebook. It’s about using the time I’m given wisely. Ever since reading How to Imagine Your Ideal Reality and How to Succeed by Being Completely Unrealistic by Everett Bogue, I have tried to be more intentional about my life by asking myself what exactly do I need to achieve?

In my apartment in Ithaca, I have a huge piece of paper where I’ve connected my thoughts and goals flowchart style. Each time a new opportunity comes up, I go to the chart and try to map where it fits. Now that I have a month to think, I’m going to redraw that map and reanalyze my one-year goals in the hopes that I’ll have something concrete to work toward when I return.

I hope to find a direction for the next five years.

There is so much for me at Cornell. If each idea and each opportunity is a vector, I’m trying to find the sum. Trying to find a magnitude and direction. (ok, that was nerdy, but that’s how I visualize it.) I need to take this upcoming semester to decide where I want to focus my energy. This means I need to become very familiar with my goals.

I’ll keep you posted.

In the meantime, I’m off to watch some Argentine Tango with Gran!

 

Working on it

That seems to be a theme of this semester.

I’m working on it.

I’m not the student I thought I was. I’m not the person I thought I was. And while I never thought I was perfect, I thought I was pretty good. : )

With 24 hours left of my semester, I’m taking a moment amidst the madness to reflect.

This semester has had the steepest learning curve of any I’ve ever experienced. It has been the most intellectually humbling. It has revealed the most uncomfortable truths. Everyday is a battle for my self-esteem.

Yesterday through a closed window, I saw a single snowflake caught on the strand of a spider’s web whipping wildly in the wind. It was so tiny and its position so tenuous. But its struggle was a sight of beauty.

That’s how I feel right now. I am tiny. My life is unique, and fragile, and insignificant. But even in its imperfection, it is still beautiful.

And as my flaws become illuminated as dirt upon new snow, all I can say is

I’m working on it.

Student Creed

To build true confidence through knowledge in the mind, honesty in the heart, and strength in the body.

To keep friendships with one another and to build a strong and happy community.

These words, which I learned as a yellow belt twelve years ago, resurfaced in my mind today.

This is the first part of the martial artist’s student creed. I have no idea what triggered those words this morning, but as soon as they filled my mind, I thought about my eight years at my Tae Kwon Do studio, my two years on the A&M team, and my life now.

To build true confidence

Confidence has been a big focal point of my reflections this semester. Academic confidence, social confidence, emotional confidence, physical confidence, spiritual confidence. This semester has been characterized by the mortification and constant rebuilding of confidence.

But this is the first time I’ve thought of “true confidence” in the context of the student creed.

through knowledge in the mind

This semester has been almost exclusively focused on academics. I am constantly in awe of the people around me. I feel like a sponge that has been thrown into a never-ending ocean. The more I learn, the more I realize I do not know.

honesty in the heart

As I mentioned before, living alone forces introspection (or in the words of a good friend: “pssh, being you forces introspection”). I’m learning to identify and acknowledge my own feelings and, consequently, express them more often and more effectively. I’ve been challenged (nicely) by more than one person here about specific actions.

I often forget that my new friends don’t know much about me yet. They don’t know my “philosophy on touch” as Drew put it or my fascination with the notion of emotional chastity [pdf] (not just physical, and not that I’m perfect at any of this) or my complete reverence and awe of the human body (I mean, really, just think about what you can do). So when they remark (accurately) that I seem to have a ten-foot bubble or that I need to relax around people (also accurate)…what do I say? Honesty in the heart.

and strength in the body.

Here is where I feel I’ve neglected myself. I haven’t been training at the level I need to be training. Yes, I have ballroom. And yes, it is a blessing. But it doesn’t demand the physical intensity (at least at the level I practice) that I need. It’s no 4-hour sparring workout–that’s for sure. I feel like my body is stagnating. I’ve also failed to nourish myself properly, which is particularly abominable considering my choice of profession.

My nutrition ladies have encouraged me to train for a half-marathon with them. At first, I rejected the notion as crazy. I have never run that far before. But then I stepped back and thought: Why not? This was around the time I attended the lecture on Art and Spirituality and revisited the concept of balance in my life. Since I can’t unload any of my academic responsibilities, the only way to balance is to add artistic and physical outlets to my life. Ballroom, check. Half-marathon, check.

To keep friendships with one another and to build a strong and happy community.

My A&M ladies have been a constant source of support. We’ve scattered in all directions and are heading in different walks of life, but we’re all making the effort to keep the friendship.  Their candor is a reason for confidence.

Our little nutrition group is building a community as well. Even though I’m not as close with them yet, I am so grateful to have these ladies (and gentlemen) as colleagues and friends.

~

So all of this flooded from those simple words I had memorized when I was ten. I can’t even wait to know what I’ll think twelve years from now.

Candid moment

me:  I don’t really hug people here

Drew:  awwwwwwwwww! 

me:  haha

I’ve been called out for my skittishness

Drew:  I am completely not surprised

me:  at my skittishness?

or that someone’s called me out?

Drew:  mostly the latter

me:  why?

Drew:  because it goes against societal norms, and people are bound to notice and wonder why you act in a way that makes you stick out and appear unwilling to interact with others.  they probably care, and don’t want you to feel left out, or uncared for, which such behavior could be indicative of

so they call you out, and then you explain your whole philosophy towards touch

me:  eh

Drew:  Also, you’re awkward in general 

me:  there we go  😀

~

The simplest explanation is usually best.

UPDATE: Drew thought I sounded a little down. So he just skyped me and, in order to pump *clap* me up, acted out the first 30 seconds of this skit. Oh my goodness, I love my friend.

Blessed

Hey you, you’re a child in my head. You haven’t walked yet. Your first words have yet to be said. But I swear. You’ll be blessed.

I have had so many blessings showered on me this past week. I am in awe how directly I have been provided for.

The trip to Columbia was a gift from God. It was a time of intense reflection for me and a time to simply deepen the relationships I’ve made with people here. Our car of five left for the Big Apple Dancesport Challenge Friday afternoon. I left behind my studies, my responsibilities, my frustrations, and even my laptop in favor of a simple notebook and my Advent book. I just needed time away from everything.

I’ve made it a tradition to bring homemade cookies to competitions.

Mama Sarah they called me today. Made me smile. I look out for them, but they look out for me so much more. They don’t even realize how I depend on them.

We arrived in NYC and were welcomed into a team member’s home that doubled as an art studio and yoga studio. I’d never seen anything like it.

The next morning, after waking my friends up and throwing on subway clothes, I sat down with my Advent book and my notebook.

“What do you have that you did not receive? And if you received it, why do you boast as if it were not a gift?” [1 Corinthians 4:7]

Everything is grace. My studies, my dance, my friends, my family, life. Nothing is earned. grace be humble, be grateful, be patient with others    mentor    show the same grace you received

Once my friends were ready, we set out first to the farmers’ market for breakfast and then on the subway to Columbia. (Gran, the subway map you left with me came in handy as did the MetroCards. Thank you!). SP and I got to the quarter finals in Waltz/Quickstep. Both of those dances bring me so much joy. Our tango looked pretty sharp, too.

That evening, our hosts invited us to be with them as they lit the menorah. I immediately said yes. I had never been part of that before, but I love the story of Hanukkah. As the candles were lit, I thought about how God had kept the light inside of me even when I had no oil to offer. He provided me with spiritually bold women as role models and sisters all four years at A&M (way longer than 8 days). And here in NY, I’ve had to kick myself in the pants sometimes to get myself to walk into each new church, but I am determined to find a home here in a way that I never was at A&M.  Looking at the half-lit menorah, everything suddenly clicked.

After that revelation, it was difficult to transition to something as mundane as exploring New York City by night. But I managed it. And I was in awe. With two respectful young men as escorts and two lovely ladies as companions, I felt perfectly at ease. We visited Times Square, St. Patrick’s Cathedral, the Rockefeller Christmas Tree, Grand Central Station, and Bryant Park. That night was definitely one of the best I’ve had here.

I felt like Buddy the Elf. 🙂

The rest of the competition passed smoothly enough, and we made our way back to Ithaca and the projects and stress and finals that awaited us there. Snow greeted us as well as we wound through the mountains.

We arrived back in Ithaca on Sunday around 5pm. It was already dark and very cold. I had plans to simply curl up with a book for the rest of the night. But God wasn’t through blessing me just yet. As I climbed out of the car, SP said: “Hey, there’s a dinner tonight hosted by Campus Crusade at 6:30. Want to come?” He’s a sharp kid and had picked up fairly early on the fact that I am church-homeless. I didn’t really feel like leaving my house a mere hour after getting home (did I mention it was cold?), but I realized that that was a dumb reason not to go. So I went. And I met SO MANY PEOPLE, and built a gingerbread house, and listened to beautiful voices. And I found out when the graduate Bible study on campus is. And I was overjoyed.

I woke up Monday morning dancing.

…and you, you’ll be blessed…